Late one night

I am at a friends house and because of the people I am with I am get surrounded by old memories most of which are so very good. These very much effect me now though. In my current state so much has changed since that time and I don't know how to process all that has gone on in my heart. It seems like I can explain the circumstance but have absolutely no idea how to go about moving on in what God has for me. I feel very numb and passive a lot lately. And frankly this is not like me and I don't like it. I have never come to this point where I don't know how to move on with or through these emotions. I was laying on the couch staring at the ceiling talking to you Jesus and I could really understand that you were saying was heart surgery. Well what does that mean? Could you be a little more specific? I feel like there is a part of my heart that has felt love to a level that it has never felt before but that relationship did not work out for that. I know without a doubt that it was your will cause I have so much peace about it. I still have to deal with the consequences of the ending of that relationship. It is so hard because i am left with all these emotions and thoughts. 

   How do I drown myself in you Jesus? Please....drowning...i don't want anything else but you. In my time or worship with you is the only place I feel fulfilled and satisfied. Clinging to your cross is the only safety, protection and contentment. There I know I am wanted. Anytime you want to take me home would be great. I promise not to try it myself. I have no desire for that. Just take me home with you. I do like this life it is fun and exciting but it is second rate to what I am with you. 

  I still can say all this truthfully and still I never spend enough time with you. I go weeks without having a quiet time. I do want to. I have trouble making myself do it. Why is that? Please help me to change you are the only one who can. I feel guilty for how many times I reject you. I found this verse in Romans or rather it was read in bible study last night and it hit me especially when I read it again today. It says 8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. I thought about it and I felt like the Lord whispered in my spirit. I am not surprised by your sin and your rejection. Wow! That is such a comfort to me. You are not taken aback by all that do or don't do. You still love me and want me. How is this possible? Thank you so much for not giving up on me. I am so beyond....I don't know what to say. I need your help all the time. More than every second. Thank you so much Dad for not leaving me and not giving up on me. Daddy I love you so much. Please continue to hold my hand as I seek to lose myself in you. I hate so much of this self. You are THE redeemer. Do the heart surgery....whatever it is. I want you to rock my world aknew!

I love you in my human way. I desire to do better than that one day.

                  Your struggling but protected child,

           Lauren

    P.S. Song of the evening:

             Savior, He can move the mountains

             Our God is mighty to save, mighty to save.