Late one night

I am at a friends house and because of the people I am with I am get surrounded by old memories most of which are so very good. These very much effect me now though. In my current state so much has changed since that time and I don't know how to process all that has gone on in my heart. It seems like I can explain the circumstance but have absolutely no idea how to go about moving on in what God has for me. I feel very numb and passive a lot lately. And frankly this is not like me and I don't like it. I have never come to this point where I don't know how to move on with or through these emotions. I was laying on the couch staring at the ceiling talking to you Jesus and I could really understand that you were saying was heart surgery. Well what does that mean? Could you be a little more specific? I feel like there is a part of my heart that has felt love to a level that it has never felt before but that relationship did not work out for that. I know without a doubt that it was your will cause I have so much peace about it. I still have to deal with the consequences of the ending of that relationship. It is so hard because i am left with all these emotions and thoughts. 

   How do I drown myself in you Jesus? Please....drowning...i don't want anything else but you. In my time or worship with you is the only place I feel fulfilled and satisfied. Clinging to your cross is the only safety, protection and contentment. There I know I am wanted. Anytime you want to take me home would be great. I promise not to try it myself. I have no desire for that. Just take me home with you. I do like this life it is fun and exciting but it is second rate to what I am with you. 

  I still can say all this truthfully and still I never spend enough time with you. I go weeks without having a quiet time. I do want to. I have trouble making myself do it. Why is that? Please help me to change you are the only one who can. I feel guilty for how many times I reject you. I found this verse in Romans or rather it was read in bible study last night and it hit me especially when I read it again today. It says 8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. I thought about it and I felt like the Lord whispered in my spirit. I am not surprised by your sin and your rejection. Wow! That is such a comfort to me. You are not taken aback by all that do or don't do. You still love me and want me. How is this possible? Thank you so much for not giving up on me. I am so beyond....I don't know what to say. I need your help all the time. More than every second. Thank you so much Dad for not leaving me and not giving up on me. Daddy I love you so much. Please continue to hold my hand as I seek to lose myself in you. I hate so much of this self. You are THE redeemer. Do the heart surgery....whatever it is. I want you to rock my world aknew!

I love you in my human way. I desire to do better than that one day.

                  Your struggling but protected child,

           Lauren

    P.S. Song of the evening:

             Savior, He can move the mountains

             Our God is mighty to save, mighty to save.

I do so like blogging. Especially just for me. Today is a great day! I don't have to go to school I do have a final tomorrow though. So I should be studying...oh well lets not think about that. 

  Dad I am in awe of how you get my attention. They played "Sweetly Broken" in church yesterday and it was incredible but not the way the song was played it was the way you took hold of my heart and drew me into your chest so I felt completely enveloped by your presence. Wow! Lord if that is a taste of heaven then can I come home soon? 

  Life is so good right now except in the way I have been neglecting you. There is no excuse. I do realize everything else is so pointless without you and I long for that purpose. School feels like drudgery so often. I know I am supposed to be there but it is hard to find the purpose. I admit I am an adrenaline junkie in some ways and would love to live in the high. 

  I am sitting here listening to Sweetly Broken and am overwhelmed. I want to grasp that cross with all my strength and never let go for that is the only thing that fulfills me. When I walk away from worship or my bible I feel like I am leaving it behind. How do I take it with me? How do I live my life carrying the realization of your resurrection and purpose? That still doesn't cover it. I want to walk into that hospital knowing your power and love and peace and YOU are with me! How do I change?

  

Returning again.

Greetings. My it has been to long...much has changed in the life of me. I feel like I should be writing this to Jesus specifically or someone, maybe I will change it every post. That sounds like a good idea.

  I don't even know where to begin. Today has been so wonderful. I am sitting in kitchen which I share with my roommate. You know what this means don't you? I am no longer living at home! Crazy awesome fun and then sad at times. It means I am getting old. 

  Life has been pretty tough as of late. Many changes and plenty of relationship craziness. Jesus you are still good though, so good. I guess that shouldn't surprise me but it does. 

 It isn't Thanksgiving yet but I feel the need to be thankful anyway. A list perhaps since that is one of my favorite things to do.

1. You, Daddy still love me even when I ignore you.

2. You have given me an amazing family that I know loves me.

3. I live with an incredible girl that is one of my bestest friends.

4. The apartment we live in is wonderful, everything we asked for in our wildest dreams and more.

5. I am in school, I have the money to pay for it and I am doing better than passing my classes. The graduation date has not changed because I failed something. I have passed it all which a massive sign of your faithfulness.

6. I am surrounded by friends, yes surrounded, who want to hang with me and share their struggles and let me know when they are mad at me so we can work it out.

7. I have a challenging job at the hospital which pays fairly well allows me to work around school. I have been able to see amazing people and situations that many others will never see. The good, bad, ugly, and breathtaking.

8. I have a book filled with words that reveal poems, challenges and most of all love of a God who became a man so he could save me from my hopeless doom.

9. I wake up every morning in a bed that is soft in a place of safety where I don't fear my life to be taken away at any moment. 

10. My body is mostly healthy. I am able to walk, breathe, chew, and poop. All of which I consider to be huge blessings.

11. There is great food in my kitchen and water in my sink.

12. I have a cute grey car that my grandfather gave to me when he passed away and it gets incredible gas mileage.

13. I am single and strangely very content in that right now. Life is exciting with many possibilities and surprises ahead. I am trying to focus on where I am and how to improve myself. Discovering that it is fun.

14. I have this very computer which is an Apple Macbook Pro. Compliments of my grandma's educational fund. And it is a thing of beauty.

15. Nature becomes more beautiful to me every day and I get to be apart of it every time I step out the front door. 

16. I know without a shadow of a doubt that there is the God of the Universe. Jesus Christ. The Holy Spirit. In control of all this life and I am loved and desired by them as one.

   Thank you so much Daddy!