I don't want to go to work. That will be tomorrow night. Currently I am being distracted by Alec Guiness on Star Wars. Why does he die on purpose. I don't understand. So many questions. So many other priorites. Ok back to this...why am I writing? I always want to and then I actually sit down to do and my brain becomes blank or idealess. I don't know. Tis a mystery.
To process: I am overwhelmed by school and work. There is so much to learn I am scared I am going to miss something important. I want to learn everything that is being handed to me but if I don't take whole day breaks after I get off work it feels as if I will implode. Dad, please help me not to miss something important because of stuff I can't remember. I want to be a good nurse and I get really scared my lack of knowledge is going to result in someone's harm. A friend told me awhile back that in my profession even with my best efforts someone/s is probably going to die. I try not to think about that and just put my head down and do my best but at this point when I have only been a nurse for a little over two months it is daunting. Please continue to give me supernatural peace and wisdom, Dad. You know how much I need it.
Today was a really good day. Beside the fact i only got 3 hours of sleep and am still awake(what is up with that?) I got to spend a lot of time with my dad at the farmer's market which is one of my favorite places to be. I also spent time in my apartment playing with my new haircut and just sitting on my new couch thinking. It was so wonderful. I feel i could stand at least a week more of that. There is so much thinking to be done. And because of all the heck that goes on at work i feel there is never ever enough time to process all that I am feeling and seeing. It worries me sometimes that i will suddenly have a psychotic break because i can't work through all the things that I am seeing. Help me to be able to do that in a healthy and perhaps quick way. Regardless today was a really good day. Thank you for your peace that passes all understanding. It is truly divine.
On another note a friend's mom died recently and another friend had a baby early this morning. Actually there are so many babies being born right now that it is just ridiculous. I have been marveling on the way life flows in and out. Certain people leave us to meet you and then you are sending new lives into our world. It is a strange and somewhat frightening exchange but I don't know how to explain my view of it except beautiful. THe way you create us and then bring us back to you is truly amazing. I think it is much the same way with love. The beautiful part is not the feelings or the way it looks but the process and what that process reveals over time. We celebrate and congragulate couples who have been married for 5o years because that process and all the facets of it are beautiful and awe inspiring. And love between friends after years and changes that is something to be celebrated. I don't think there is enough focus on friendship in our world. Romantic love is everyone's favorite topic but friendship has so many of the same qualities without the wedding etc. Maybe it is just because I am not married that I see it as such a big deal. Or maybe it is because it is really late and I am trying to dump my thoughts out into this blog thingy. I love the fact that M and I celebrate our friendship all the time we go get food together or buy each other hilarious crap. We often congratulate each other on how long we have been friends and how well we know each other. We get excited when we discover a story or facet to the other person we didn't know. I am realizing that my relationship with M is not normal it is so much better. I am convinced that God brought us together to support each other during this point in our lives. She knows me better than everyone except for about 5 or 6 people and she still doesn't mind living with me. We definitely get in arguments and have to work stuff out more often than you might think. However that is part of how we have grown together and I would not trade any of it. I believe that God will bring me a husband one day and I feel privileged that I get to have this awesome relationship with M and one day graduate into marriage. I know that sounds kindof odd but I hope it makes sense. It is like getting the best of both worlds. Dad I am blown away by your blessings!!
This is really awesome! I don't know if I have been able to let myself go and just write about one thing after another. This post definietily encompasses more than one thought. This does feel therapeutic if I can let myself go. I will plan for this again, for sure. It would be profitable for me to head to bed now since I haven't had that much sleep. I love you Dad. Goodnight.
