All the stuff flying around in my head.

 So many things running through my mind!

  I don't want to go to work. That will be tomorrow night. Currently I am being distracted by Alec Guiness on Star Wars. Why does he die on purpose. I don't understand. So many questions. So many other priorites.  Ok back to this...why am I writing? I always want to and then I actually sit down to do and my brain becomes blank or idealess. I don't know. Tis a mystery. 

  To process: I am overwhelmed by school and work. There is so much to learn I am scared I am going to miss something important. I want to learn everything that is being handed to me but if I don't take whole day breaks after I get off work it feels as if I will implode. Dad, please help me not to miss something important because of stuff I can't remember. I want to be a good nurse and I get really scared my lack of knowledge is going to result in someone's harm. A friend told me awhile back that in my profession even with my best efforts someone/s is probably going to die. I try not to think about that and just put my head down and do my best but at this point when I have only been a nurse for a little over two months it is daunting. Please continue to give me supernatural peace and wisdom, Dad. You know how much I need it.

   Today was a really good day. Beside the fact i only got 3 hours of sleep and am still awake(what is up with that?) I got to spend a lot of time with my dad at the farmer's market which is one of my favorite places to be. I also spent time in my apartment playing with my new haircut and just sitting on my new couch thinking. It was so wonderful. I feel i could stand at least a week more of that. There is so much thinking to be done. And because of all the heck that goes on at work i feel there is never ever enough time to process all that I am feeling and seeing. It worries me sometimes that i will suddenly have a psychotic break because i can't work through all the things that I am seeing. Help me to be able to do that in a healthy and perhaps quick way. Regardless today was a really good day. Thank you for your peace that passes all understanding. It is truly divine. 

   On another note a friend's mom died recently and another friend had a baby early this morning. Actually there are so many babies being born right now that it is just ridiculous. I have been marveling on the way life flows in and out. Certain people leave us to meet you and then you are sending new lives into our world. It is a strange and somewhat frightening exchange but I don't know how to explain my view of it except beautiful. THe way you create us and then bring us back to you is truly amazing. I think it is much the same way with love. The beautiful part is not the feelings or the way it looks but the process and what that process reveals over time. We celebrate and congragulate couples who have been married for 5o years because that process and all the facets of it are beautiful and awe inspiring. And love between friends after years and changes that is something to be celebrated. I don't think there is enough focus on friendship in our world. Romantic love is everyone's favorite topic but friendship has so many of the same qualities without the wedding etc. Maybe it is just because I am not married that I see it as such a big deal. Or maybe it is because it is really late and I am trying to dump my thoughts out into this blog thingy. I love the fact that M and I celebrate our friendship all the time we go get food together or buy each other hilarious crap. We often congratulate each other on how long we have been friends and how well we know each other. We get excited when we discover a story or facet to the other person we didn't know. I am realizing that my relationship with M is not normal it is so much better. I am convinced that God brought us together to support each other during this point in our lives. She knows me better than everyone except for about 5 or 6 people and she still doesn't mind living with me. We definitely get in arguments and have to work stuff out more often than you might think. However that is part of how we have grown together and I would not trade any of it. I believe that God will bring me a husband one day and I feel privileged that I get to have this awesome relationship with M and one day graduate into marriage. I know that sounds kindof odd but I hope it makes sense. It is like getting the best of both worlds. Dad I am blown away by your blessings!!

 This is really awesome! I don't know if I have been able to let myself go and just write about one thing after another. This post definietily encompasses more than one thought. This does feel therapeutic if I can let myself go. I will plan for this again, for sure. It would be profitable for me to head to bed now since I haven't had that much sleep. I love you Dad. Goodnight. 

its a new world in a new way...

I am working! I have a job that pay well! In this economy! 

Dad you are too cool for words. I love you a wicked lot. I guess that isn't a good term to use with you huh? The wicked there are a lot of them but that shouldn't represent a measure of my love. Ok scratch that. I love you.

  Life is really good. I complain a lot, you know that. But it is really good. The major stuff is covered. I am safe, you are talking to me, my family loves me, I have a job, and my friends are the choicest of cheeses. You are truly my provider. Thank you.

   There is so much that has been going through my mind recently. I feel really hardened at work even after only three weeks. I wish families would let their loved ones go. Why does there have to be fighting about if their care is to be continued? I know it's a sticky situation cause you don't know if that person will come around or not. I wish the choice was clearer. Pain is probably our biggest issue everyone is in pain physically or emotionally and we can't just medicate everyone. I want to be compassionate towards the patients but how do I maintain that when i am their situations effect my view of them? *how ironic, "Tell it to me" by Old Crow Medicine Show just started playing on my comp. it's all about cocaine.* How did you do it Dad? You were/are Jesus to everyone? What does that look like for me? I will try to listen to you more. I forget that I can rely on you cause I am so used to doing it on my own. 

  I should go to bed. Goodnight.

    Your girl

Remembering...

 I can't quite figure out if this happens every summer or not but the truth is I miss The Inn a lot right now. 

The Inn is a (not a camp) camp that I went to every summer up until last year. The Lord has done so much in me through my time there. I love the people but I think I love the property even more. His spirit rests there in a way I don't feel in many other places. When I pull into that long driveway it's like my heart is covered by peace and safety. It is truly a hiding place for me. 

  One of the Heroes Weeks ended so I am seeing pics pop up on facebook and it makes me want to cry. I don't just want to go back I want to be that 16 y.o girl again and go as a participant. To retreat into a state where I am being led and poured into without responsibility, except of course wash up and whatever work project is next on the list. 

  This growing up thing is hard and complicated. I am expected to take on more responsibility and autonomously achieve the next goal. The time for fun and exploration seems to be dwindling at an alarming rate. Lord, help me to make the time to work more on our relationship. It seems harder now to make that time to just sit and listen to you. 

  I know the future is what I want but I would love if it included some aspects of the past. 

  

  I miss the laundry barn, how crazy is that? I miss sitting on that one stool and leaning against the 3rd washer on the left and just taking deep breaths or crying or whatever I needed to release. You definitely met me in that barn on more than one occasion. I really miss the kitchen as well. It felt like therapy to set into washing a mountain of dishes and know you were accomplishing something while listening to whatever the other person wanted to talk about. Which frequently was what food next or how many hours till we get to crawl back in bed.  

  There are so many things and people I miss but I think that it all falls under the two categories of 1. Primary responsibility to seek Jesus. 2. Community. The most fulfilling thing I do is pursue you, Lord. And living in community brings about surprising challenges but is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. My heart knows that is the way it is meant to be so it fulfills longings. All I want is more. 

  Sometimes I wonder if I will miss the Inn for the rest of my life until I reach heaven? I think I will. Not constantly. But sporadically. 

  Thank you so much for the precious memories. They are truly priceless as is all I have learned within those weeks. I can't wait to get home and see you fully. 

   I love you, Father. 

    

A new season!

I am now a Registered Nurse! Lauren Mundorf, RN. I cannot believe it. But I have too cause I got my license in the mail yesterday. 

 Lord I am so overwhelmed by your faithfulness. So very overwhelmed. I knew this day was coming but I had no idea that it would really be here. What do I do now?

  I want to revamp this blog and turn it into a place where I can talk about my nursing career and share all that God is doing. 

  The truth is I don't know where I am going from here but for now I am staying put. I want to get out of Charlotte at some point but it seems Jesus has me here for the next few years. 

  Staying put...that sounds pretty good....

Surprise!

 I am graduating on Friday! And today would be Monday night! I am completely blown away. Thank you so much for your faithfulness Jesus! I love you!

A new song...

And you loved, you loved, a people undeserving....

What does the year 22 of my birth mean?

 It is January 11 and I figured it was about time for me to prepare for the new year. I spent some time today seeking the Lord about what is to come and what he wants me to focus on for the new year. It was really good time. I love me some Jesus! All I know is that this year is going to be about getting to know Jesus better and learning even more about His love. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get a break on learning about His love. I do love it, it is just overwhelming and I wonder if I will move to another level or am I going to be here forever. I always ask you if there is something else I need to learn about but your most frequent response is "Share my love." I do try Lord but I have no idea how successful I am. Anyway...this year is going to be hard but I am going to learn a whole whole lot about myself and Jesus. Diving in....

   I am in funky mood tonight. Anytime I spend time with you Jesus it seems that I struggle with a bad or depressive mood. I don't really know how to describe it, it feels like loneliness; mind wandering from why I am the way I am and why life has turned out the way it has. I am amazed at where I am but feel a sense of loss for a couple of things that are gone. 

 No one fully understands those losses even if they have been in the same situations and that is when I feel the loneliness start to creep in. I know I am not supposed to be lonely because I have you Jesus. However it feels good to just sit in the lonely feelings and enjoy the pain. I know many people would say i am crazy but it is so nice to feel some pain. You feel alive. When I am comforted from serious pain there is truly one of the best feelings of protection and caring to experience. I am speaking of emotional pain not physical. I have an aversion to physical and it sometimes involves me passing out...who wants to do that. 

   Here is the honesty part. My heart hurts and I just realized it. I guess I have been stuffing and that hasn't been fun but now it is learning how to deal with this. Jesus I am at a loss. I obviously know the symptoms but how do I deal and continue? Mostly I am good focused on life but then small things happen and I am overcome I sometimes can do nothing but crawl into bed and go to sleep otherwise I will completely fall apart.  Me falling apart would look like lots of crying  and probably some yelling but I know it wouldn't be good.

  Lots and lot have been going on in my and I skim through just doing what need to be done and I wonder is it going to catch up with me? At this point cancer is the main thing there is about 4 people I know right who are dealing with it and my grandma has been in the hospital, my mom had a scare, my own body has been acting weird, friends are in bad financial straits, school is kick some of thems butts jobs are being lost, people are breaking up and duh ta duh on and on it goes. Do I break down and some point? It just feels like I am constantly shoving things out of the way and trying not to think about them. Help Jesus. I know not what to do.

 Alright well I have talked a few things out no proofreading just posting. Thank you for your faithfulness, Jesus! Goodnight.