Hello fattened world!

  Well well, I would like to admit that I gained about 5 lbs over Thanksgiving and I am thrilled it was so great. Food is the bomb. Dad will there be cheese in heaven? Man I hope so cause that stuff it pretty much the best thing ever. I have decided I like it better than chocolate. Maybe one day I will get a box of fancy cheese blocks rather than chocolate. Oh perfection that would be lovely. or both! Oh man oh man. 

  Lots to process cause being with family always does that. It was really awesome to see them after so long. I hadn't seen my cousins, aunts, uncles for about 8 or 1o months. It is weird to go back though cause I have changed so I no longer fit in the box i have before. Result: I stuff what I am feeling and try to do what i have always done even though it just feels wrong. They have changed to so we all have to get re-situated. dddddddddadf ldkjfa sd fe ijgakjg;ajdifhaoeir tpaierthpariogadfgioerh gaigtarih  sorry me fingers totally took over. They sometimes get out of control like that. So much that i think about what happened over the weekend that I don't know what I need to process through and what is just excess stuffing. Is this life just a process of processing? I feel like I am stockpiling it and then one day I will have no choice but to go through it all. Is that right Dad? i hope not cause that will take a lot of time. Hopefully i am going through most of it as it passes through. 

   I guess the most stark thing was seeing my grandma without hair. She looked like a little babushka grandmother from Russia except she is tall and thin not short and plump. It is just beginning to hit home though. I really can't believe it. She is such an amazing woman she has been through a lot of tragedy in her life so why this now? It makes me mad. I hate cancer. I hate it so much. I don't understand where it came from and I want to kill it. It has affected a  lot of people that i know recently and it pisses me off. Cancer is of the devil and I wish there was something I could do. Dad please continue to take care of her. I want to learn so much more from her before she goes to hang with you. And when you do take her please make it quick and painless. She loves you so much. Thank you. I love you too.

Dude! It is 12:30 now you think I could write at a decent hour dad. But no I seem to come alive late at night and begin to think about all the stuff I need to do. Woe the old brain it be crazy. 

  Per the previous post; Conclusion: I like secular music and that is that. 

There is so much I could write about that has happened but I want to focus on what is rolling around in my head currently. I screwed up again this morning. I am tired of this habitual sin! Tired, tired, Tired! I don't do the things I need to do. Why am I so stupid? What is the barrier to this learning process? Me? Yeah probably is. No offense or anything dad but this sucks. I don't know if I like me. Here I go again. I need help. Lots of it. 

  I am learning that you can handle it. I don't surprise, overwhelm or scare you. That is pretty cool. How about I bring Pink into this. The singer says "I'm a hazard to myself. Don't let me get me." I am totally on that. Me is a pretty scary thing. 

 Also wondering how much to share since someone will probably read this someday. I guess all things are found on the internet at some point. It doesn't bother me to much though being transparent takes a lot of the pressure off.  Then what am I concerned about? I think people reading this and seeing themselves is people I mention. 

  I want to thank you dad. I see so many ways you are pursuing me right now even when i don't want any of it. I feel all these crazy emotions but somehow I know you are in control. You are still Lord.  I do love you.

   How do I ask what is going on with you dad? We always talk about me and the things I need help with, etc. What about you? How do I learn about you? Is it appropriate to ask you how your day has gone? Do you even have a day? I feel like that is really personal...I don't know chummy or something. I want to remember that you are God, Jesus Christ, a being worthy of fear. I do want to honor you and your power. Please bring to my attention when I dishonor you. 

  i could ramble on for much more space but I think the fact I can hardly read the screen and no contacts or glasses on. It is time to lay it to rest. Goodnight Dad. I love you.

It is sunday afternoon...duh. Oh well gotta open this up somehow. Is it wrong to listen to secular music while posting and thinking about you Jesus? I often feel more connected to you Jesus when listening to secular music rather than Christian is that wrong? Hope not. Please make it clear to me if it is......