2012-A New Beginning

I don't think the earth will be destroyed this year, partly because a lot of people think it will and that makes me think it won't. I had the privilege of ringing in the new year with friends, really wonderful friends. I am blessed beyond measure.

I have been asked by a number of people what new years resolutions I have. I didn't really just a lot of things I want to do. However, I decided that I will make one, one big one.

I will go to Africa this year somewhere on that continent. I will hug a child, smile into a weathered face and close my eyes and breathe deep of a sprawling land that is covered in people that are more beautiful than I can imagine. It scares me in ways I don't understand. I kindof don't want to go for fear it will be less than I have dreamed. Regardless that is the resolution. To go, not to stay but to step out and say Here I am.

It is going to be a life changing, stretching, tough, exhilarating year!

Cheers! You better have a drink, we are going to need it.

Grey Skies

Today was ho hum. You know those days when nothing special really sticks out it just is. I usually dislike those type of days but today was really good. I am growing to love just being, not really being productive allowing myself time to think, decreasing those expectations I have for myself. The accomplishment of the day, I am now a member of the YMCA of greater charlotte. It has been a ho hum good day. Hoping for better sleep....Goodnight.

And now for something completely different...

I feel different. Things are changing. My perspective, my hours, my relationships.

Different is hard. Different is exciting.

I feel like I am in a state of learning again and not just surviving. I feel more peace and am slowing down. I worry less than this time last year.

Different is colorful. Different is questioning.

There is a lot of potential ahead. So much so that it scares me, I become slightly paralyzed and stop working towards a goal. Sometimes I forget to restart.

Different is heavy. Different is delicious.

Work is heavy emotionally, some weeks more than others. I am starting to see the beauty in normal, topsy turvy life.

Different is freeing. Different is painful.

The concept of pain and how we deal with it is a deep ocean. A strange relationship exists between pain and growth, I am going to learn more.

A beginning is really different.

Rise and Shine its 8pm.

Yes. I woke up at 8pm after 10 hours of sleep. Not intentional but obviously very much needed as I slept through everything else. Apparently responsibility and leadership is even more exhausting than just plain hard work. It was my first time as charge nurse of the unit and I cannot remember being more exhausted. Sometimes I wish I was in another profession so my schedule would look different. I will be going to day shift in the future but right now my body just needs sunlight (its 12:45 at night) and I want to sit in the loneliness and negativity. Don't worry, I won't stay here.

The point of getting on this thing was to record something a patient said to me last night. She is from a very small town in SC. In her words "I worked in tobacco all my life and when I got married the first time all there was was pinto beans. I was used to steak or at least chicken some so as soon as I could I got outa there." We chatted about her life and mine as I sat with her for awhile. I came back in to check on her an hour later and she narrowed her eyes at me, "Now I am goin' to tell you somthin' for your own good; Don't you stop now. You keep on agoin' get your education. I was married at 16 and I had to fight for everything in my life and look where I am now. You will find somebody to love you but you make sure you are not the only one doing the caring."

Life well lived

I love older people or shall we say more mature...regardless I think one of the things I want to take a lot of pictures of with my new camera is them. Their faces, their hands, their laughs, they are beautiful. They have seen more than I have and washed more dishes and generally have wisdom I hope understand. One day I will be they. :)

Wattage

Perhaps I will spend my life following warm light and fall breezes wherever they go. I would promise to be quite happy.

Bandwagon?

There is a lot of wishing, hoping, comparing, its time to get off the bandwagon and do. I think Nike knows what they are talking about.

My Surroundings

Lately I have been thinking about how much goes on around us. We are so saturated with information that we don't really know how to rest. There is entirely to much going on. Are you keeping up with your favorite TV shows? What is happening in the world from the news standpoint? Checked your social network, how are your friends? And don't get me started on my new go to fun-Pinterest. I almost constantly feel overwhelmed like I am behind. What am I behind on? Is it so bad to say "You know what I haven't watched that TV show you are talking about, could you please explain the joke you just made?" For me it is really hard to say. I want to know lots of things and be in the loop. Lately I am just becoming more and more overwhelmed and feeling like I am getting less and less done. So I am in process of really deciding what is important to me and letting the rest fall by the wayside. In one way not that difficult but in another it involves my outlook of myself(does that even make sense?). I don't think things will be that different it will just mean focusing on priorities; work, my relationships, and taking care of myself.

If you know me you may think that I am the type of person that does what she wants and doesn't really care what people think. This is true for part of me (my clothes ;) but the other half cares deeply because I want to identify with you so we can connect. I think that I appreciate a lot of things about different people but who I am is so tied up in others that I don't really know what I like. I did some analyzing today when I went shopping and the first thing I thought when I saw a pair of shoes was "Wow, Carrie would really like those, they are pretty." Upon further questioning of myself I do think they are pretty but they are not what I like for me. What do I like? That is a huge question that often cause me to have a mini identity crisis. What the hell do I like? I know some basic things but mostly I just stare at the thing and go back and forth. How does one get to the bottom of this?

When in doubt, make a list. That should probably be a motto of mine considering the amount of lists I make.

Pasta Salad-yes I am eating it right now :)

Green the color, especially with yellow

Photography specifically black and white portraits

Painting-usually lots of colors

soft long sleeve shirts

cardigan sweaters

Being a nurse the combination of people and medical is quite amazing

having a conversation with another person over a beverage

Autumn!!

Backpacking in the mountains

Driving in my beautiful red Toyota Matrix

The Weepies

The Wind

Cooking pretty much in anyway possible-I love food

Learning new things about the Human Body

Little facts about our world

Sleeping in my bed with my yellow comforter and extra pillows

finding good deals: grocery store, thrift store, clothing store-doesn't matter

when someone delivers a line just right no matter what the situation it makes me smile

being in church during worship when I can close my eyes and feel His peace

Ok, I feel better. I know more about myself than I think I do.

Slow down, Lauren.

Balm...

"On and on and on and on it goes.

It overwhelms and satisfies my soul

And I never ever have to be afraid

One thing remains

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me."

"May the grace of God be with you always in your heart

May you know the truth inside you from the start

May you find the strength to know that you are a

Part of something beautiful.

And I thought that I saw, a light shine I thought I saw a light shine

Yes, I thought, that I saw, a light shine; I think I see a light shine, now."

Words that are speaking to my soul right now. Resting in His.....

A small space of time in the middle of the night.

I realized last night that the job I do is like those big ships at state fairs that swing back and forth, often very quickly. In the span of 10 minutes I hugged a crying wife as she spent her last night with her husband as he will be removed off the ventilator this morning. Fed apple juice to an old cuban woman whose blood sugar had dipped into the 40s as she declared I would need to come back soon as she was trying to do "kaka." Held a basin for a young boy only 6 months older than me as he vomited into a bucket and asked me what we were going to do now.

10 minutes.

I would not trade this job for anything.

I think I will give up the pretense and realize I will be in counseling for the rest of my life :)

One sided conversations

Being yelled at makes you tired did you know that? Even if you just stand there and don't try to say anything. One sided conversations that is best way to describe work last night. I wonder if that is why people like blogging. We do like to talk ;)

I feel wrung out. I am burrowing into the couch watching the princess and the frog.

I tired.

Weepies

What a sweet day and evening. This day has been especially wonderful. I had a good nights' sleep and poured some curdled half and half into my coffee(no I did not drink it, it went down the sink) and had some time to just sit in my chair and allow my brain to slowly wake up. I hopped into my beautiful red car stopped at McAlister's for a refreshing glass of Sweet Tea(if you know me at all you should be familiar with my addiction) and proceeded to Nut Hill Farms(my parent's house). Yes, I like the parentheses tonight. It was a gorgeous day giving us cool breezes and the first taste of 65 degrees after weeks of 100s. I picked green peppers, pole beans, banana peppers and the last of the tomatoes with my parents, just enjoying being outside. Lunched on fresh tomato sandwiches and apples from their recent trip to the Blue Ridge Mountains. Hooted around completing some errands and arrived home to shower and dress for the evening with some support from a roommate(Carrie Myatt). Freshly scrubbed in a way comfortable striped dress and a necklace I had never worn before into the red speedster I lept. Keep in mind it is 1:30 in the morning and I am enjoying myself :) I met good friends at the light rail station and we rode on the ridiculously squeaky train to uptown Charlotte. These friends are the kind you really love being with and are very comfortable being yourself around. Lots of laughter and poking brought us to the Qdoba on Tryon. You cannot beat loads of nachos and burritos. After a congenial argument about how much time we really had before the show started we made our way over to Starbucks for coffee, mostly to soothe my mouth that had been lit on fire by queso. After wandering and much touching of street art we made our way into the McGlohon Theatre. The theatre used to be a church and there is beautiful stained glass thoughout with cushy red seats. I loved watching the people who came in such a diverse group a lot of older folks which was surprising. In a darkened church the Weepies ambled onto the dimly lit stage with a cresent moon and stars suspended in the background. The Weepies is a husband/wife duo that are acoustic folksy I guess, pure heaven. They were fantastic: the music flowing easily their personalities full of joy and laughter. The clearest thing is that they love being together. It was so relaxing I probably would have fallen asleep if I hadn't cared that much about seeing them live. They gained a fan for life. Afterwards we headed back to the lightrail for a jolting and amusing ride home. Someone kept getting hit with a rolled up program and some else got punched in the arm and threatened. It was relational building I am sure. The group split but I ended up at Steak and Shake with friends and a dark chocolate milkshake with an order of fries. Oh so satisfying. The little red coaster and I sailed home with full stomachs, sweet acoustic music in our brains and big smiles on our faces. (yes the car has a face and it can produce a smile) I would tell you the saga of what happened at home while I was gone but suffice to say I returned to find one roommate standing on the couch arm screaming and the other in a ball on the floor. It's frightening and amusing. If you are actually reading this congrats. Till I return.

Venting?!

Oh my word! Can we keep the opiates to a minimum?! Don't do them! And if you do or your family/friend does them then be aware of what an overdose looks like! If you can't wake them up easily, they don't listen to reason, hallucinations, continuos vomiting! Call 911! Don't "let them sleep it off" or "put them to bed." That might be the beginning of their permanent sleep. It is sickening how many people I have known that have died from opiate overdose and I only work on one 19 bed unit. Common! Yes, I am half yelling. These things happen often because of emotional pain. Oh how I wish I could slip in and somehow talk to these people before this situation happened. Somehow communicate the fact they are chosen and dearly loved. How much does it change things to know that you are known inside and out and loved not anyway but because of that?

The Night Wind

I am sitting in my cuddly chair feet up on the friendly black leather ottoman listening to the sound of irregular raindrops through the screen. Yes, dear friend it is 2:41 in the am and I am not asleep. I slept from midnight to 2pm today. Unplanned and very much needed. If your body makes you sleep for 14 hours and you hear nothing, not a sound on the city streets just the beat of your own heart, then you know your body is tired. I probably could sleep now but I am loving this sweet spot. The gutters need to be cleaned this irregular rain drainage is pretty bad. Another goal for later today. For now it sounds like heaven.

I was lying in bed thinking awhile ago about our house and how much I love it. The back porch is peaceful with the picnic table and two rockers, one wooden and one pink plaid fold out. We are classy like that :) There is one massive oak tree along the back fence whose branches stretch over almost the whole back yard. Our kitchen and dining room are one with windows looking out into the driveway and a tile island stands in the middle of the kitchen. It isn't large but it is friendly. I was thinking about the dining room table and how much I love it. It is from my parents, the table we had growing up until my mother found a deal on a leaf table. The table has stains of many memories and it saw so many discussions, dad's note writings for work, and countless delicious meals created by my mother. I think my favorite thing about it though is the people I remember sitting around it. Mom and Dad did not hesitate to invite people over for dinner and I got to know so many interesting people(especially family ;) around that table. There is no better way to get to know someone than over home cooked food with a welcoming host. It's easier to talk when you are surrounded by a home, people who asked you to be there and created food with you in mind. I love cooking but even more I love sharing it with others and my favorite is making food with those people and sitting down to eat it together. Combined community with a task and experiencing the reward of your work. It's perfect. I want the man I marry to participate in this experience with me. The idea of having a partner to welcome people into our home to share food and laughs sounds like heaven...maybe that is why He says we will feast at His table. Oh man, I am going to start more practicing.

It's 3:07, this girl needs to rest this aspiring mind. I will have you over for dinner soon. Goodnight, Friend

When God moves

I get excited.

Did you ever sit quietly in your room waiting on Christmas morning? I did. I didn't wake the parents up cause I usually wasn't allowed upstairs and I knew it would be fruitless anyway cause they would just tell me to go back to my room. One Christmas my mom found me in my bed playing solitaire while I waited but that is another story. That same feeling of excitement exists when I see God moving in peoples lives especially my own. You know that something good is coming even though you don't know exactly what it is. I cannot tell you how much I love it, it gets me moving. I want to go talk to people about it and discuss what He said and how He is making things happen from all different points of view. Our God is so big and it is so great how He thinks differently than I do so I am surprised often by what He does. Shocking, right? :)

Jesus, thank you for moving in people's lives and providing more grace than we can imagine. Today has been fantastic. Thank you for answering prayers. O how Great You Are!!

One of my favorite places

I am in my bed and it is indeed one of my favorite places. I am listening to the Ahn Trio and the sounds of my roomates laughing with some of their friends from school. It is positively wonderful! Lately I have been craving being around people but not having to talk. This is perfect. I am close enough to hear the sounds but I am set apart in my bed of peacefulness. This feels right. I love being with people and I am rediscovering how I do like to be alone as well.

I got with Scott tonight and we talked about you, Dad. You are so faithful to not leave us alone. When I step back and see how you are working in our lives I am so so glad! I know what it means to be stagnant, it feels terrible. So the work you are doing is not fun a lot of the time actually but I am just so glad that I mean enough to you for you to work on me that I don't care. Don't leave me alone. Making some better decisions I am and choosing to seek you instead of just surviving. I am excited to see what this year holds! I want to do better and be with you more. Thanks for choosing to stick with me.

Your daughter,

Lauren

Your Mom..

I figured out how to change the look of this blog! Or rather I took the time to figure it out and I love it. I really like blogging. I don't think anyone reads it but it is a nice way for me to process and I like easily being able to go back and see what has been on my mind.

I would love to theme is blog with stories from being a nurse but there is so much HIPPA stuff everywhere I am scared I will get called to court for something and have to bring this blog into it. How crazy is that?

For now I just enjoy rambling on in the rabbit trails of my brain.

I have decided to go through some counseling and we are going to work through the book "The Search for Significance" by Robert McGee. A woman that I know who has been a nurse has offered to get together with me on a regular basis and talk about life, nursing and anything else I want to talk about. It has been fantastic and I am excited about meeting with her regularly and in a more focused way. She recommended this book which I started today, it will take me a year to work though it if I want to glean from it all that I can. That sounds like an exciting prospect! I have been caught up in nursing stuff and just being busy and trying to stay alive through this night shift lifestyle that I haven't really taken time to work on myself emotionally and spiritually. I now realize that if I don't who I am becoming is not going to be the person I want to become. I am frequently overwhelmed by work and I see a lot of emotional stress as a direct correlation with the lack of time with Jesus. Jesus is amazing and I am often caught up in my own "give me" attitudes to realize He is calling me to more than I can fathom. There is a lot of basic principles that I have learned growing up in God-fearing household that are not so basic when applied to life. The work of applying is way more difficult than I realized.

This year I am going to apply myself to nourishing my spiritual and emotional health and being obedient to Jesus. Oh, boy. I am a little nervous.

Yep...it's that time again....

Time for what? For crying.

Life adds up and you just can't handle it anymore. I have been feeling it coming on tonight and now it is officially here. Yes there are little baby tears coming down my face now.

This world is really hard to cope with sometimes. I get told I am really happy a lot and I always look at the bright side. That is true most of the time but I still have to cry. It feels really good. Lately I have been feeling so numb. Work has been hard in a lot of ways. Somehow it can be really good and really hard. The mystery of the hospital. A place of healing and a place of desperate pain. There has been a fair amount of death around lately and that is always different. I was talking with a friend and he asked if I was scared of death. I thought about it and I said no. I used to be but I realized that I'm not now. I have been with a couple of people who passed away and it was crazy. One was so peaceful. He was ready and he just laid his head back and his heart slowed and then stopped about 10 minutes later. That night completely changed my view on death. It peaceful, even wonderful. I actually felt jealous because this man was meeting Jesus and I couldn't yet.

When I am crying I feel the need to give a reason which is what led me to death. The tears of tonight are for many reasons some I don't even understand but I am so glad. I have been wanting to cry for a little while now and I am so glad to know I am not completely numb. Things effect me I am so grateful for it.

Weird.

It is the weird life for me. This crazy night shift nursing creates weird sleeping patterns. I worked the last two nights and I crawled in bed tonight at 11:20 fell asleep and woke up again at 12:45 ready to go. It is now almost two am and I have been laying here thinking about life and where it is going, what I am scared of and what I am looking forward too. It is 2011 and it is going to be a good year. More growing up....yay.

One thing I wanted to do a week ago was make a list of the type of patients we had on our unit it has been pretty rough lately in the type and sickness of the patient population. Here is an overview or my own memory.

Rm. 1 - Necrotizing pancreatitis, to much alcohol.

Rm. 2 - MVC, Pt only responds to pain

Rm. 3 - Pancreas Kidney Transplant, multiple complications

Rm. 4 - 4oo lbs Pt post stroke

Rm. 5 - Sepsis, Bipolar made pt hard to deal with

Rm. 6 - MVC hard to wean from vent.

Rm. 7 - Suicide attempt. Gunshot wound

Rm. 8 - GSW to face, not self inflicted.

Rm. 9 - Wheelchair vs. Car. Ridiculous restraints

Rm. 10 - Respiratory Failure related to Obesity

Rm. 11 - Suicide attempt. GSW to face.

For some reason it was a particularly crazy week. Dealing with the emotions of families and the patients personalities is usually the most challenging part of my job. Must try to sleep again.....