When God moves

I get excited.

Did you ever sit quietly in your room waiting on Christmas morning? I did. I didn't wake the parents up cause I usually wasn't allowed upstairs and I knew it would be fruitless anyway cause they would just tell me to go back to my room. One Christmas my mom found me in my bed playing solitaire while I waited but that is another story. That same feeling of excitement exists when I see God moving in peoples lives especially my own. You know that something good is coming even though you don't know exactly what it is. I cannot tell you how much I love it, it gets me moving. I want to go talk to people about it and discuss what He said and how He is making things happen from all different points of view. Our God is so big and it is so great how He thinks differently than I do so I am surprised often by what He does. Shocking, right? :)

Jesus, thank you for moving in people's lives and providing more grace than we can imagine. Today has been fantastic. Thank you for answering prayers. O how Great You Are!!

One of my favorite places

I am in my bed and it is indeed one of my favorite places. I am listening to the Ahn Trio and the sounds of my roomates laughing with some of their friends from school. It is positively wonderful! Lately I have been craving being around people but not having to talk. This is perfect. I am close enough to hear the sounds but I am set apart in my bed of peacefulness. This feels right. I love being with people and I am rediscovering how I do like to be alone as well.

I got with Scott tonight and we talked about you, Dad. You are so faithful to not leave us alone. When I step back and see how you are working in our lives I am so so glad! I know what it means to be stagnant, it feels terrible. So the work you are doing is not fun a lot of the time actually but I am just so glad that I mean enough to you for you to work on me that I don't care. Don't leave me alone. Making some better decisions I am and choosing to seek you instead of just surviving. I am excited to see what this year holds! I want to do better and be with you more. Thanks for choosing to stick with me.

Your daughter,

Lauren

Your Mom..

I figured out how to change the look of this blog! Or rather I took the time to figure it out and I love it. I really like blogging. I don't think anyone reads it but it is a nice way for me to process and I like easily being able to go back and see what has been on my mind.

I would love to theme is blog with stories from being a nurse but there is so much HIPPA stuff everywhere I am scared I will get called to court for something and have to bring this blog into it. How crazy is that?

For now I just enjoy rambling on in the rabbit trails of my brain.

I have decided to go through some counseling and we are going to work through the book "The Search for Significance" by Robert McGee. A woman that I know who has been a nurse has offered to get together with me on a regular basis and talk about life, nursing and anything else I want to talk about. It has been fantastic and I am excited about meeting with her regularly and in a more focused way. She recommended this book which I started today, it will take me a year to work though it if I want to glean from it all that I can. That sounds like an exciting prospect! I have been caught up in nursing stuff and just being busy and trying to stay alive through this night shift lifestyle that I haven't really taken time to work on myself emotionally and spiritually. I now realize that if I don't who I am becoming is not going to be the person I want to become. I am frequently overwhelmed by work and I see a lot of emotional stress as a direct correlation with the lack of time with Jesus. Jesus is amazing and I am often caught up in my own "give me" attitudes to realize He is calling me to more than I can fathom. There is a lot of basic principles that I have learned growing up in God-fearing household that are not so basic when applied to life. The work of applying is way more difficult than I realized.

This year I am going to apply myself to nourishing my spiritual and emotional health and being obedient to Jesus. Oh, boy. I am a little nervous.

Yep...it's that time again....

Time for what? For crying.

Life adds up and you just can't handle it anymore. I have been feeling it coming on tonight and now it is officially here. Yes there are little baby tears coming down my face now.

This world is really hard to cope with sometimes. I get told I am really happy a lot and I always look at the bright side. That is true most of the time but I still have to cry. It feels really good. Lately I have been feeling so numb. Work has been hard in a lot of ways. Somehow it can be really good and really hard. The mystery of the hospital. A place of healing and a place of desperate pain. There has been a fair amount of death around lately and that is always different. I was talking with a friend and he asked if I was scared of death. I thought about it and I said no. I used to be but I realized that I'm not now. I have been with a couple of people who passed away and it was crazy. One was so peaceful. He was ready and he just laid his head back and his heart slowed and then stopped about 10 minutes later. That night completely changed my view on death. It peaceful, even wonderful. I actually felt jealous because this man was meeting Jesus and I couldn't yet.

When I am crying I feel the need to give a reason which is what led me to death. The tears of tonight are for many reasons some I don't even understand but I am so glad. I have been wanting to cry for a little while now and I am so glad to know I am not completely numb. Things effect me I am so grateful for it.

Weird.

It is the weird life for me. This crazy night shift nursing creates weird sleeping patterns. I worked the last two nights and I crawled in bed tonight at 11:20 fell asleep and woke up again at 12:45 ready to go. It is now almost two am and I have been laying here thinking about life and where it is going, what I am scared of and what I am looking forward too. It is 2011 and it is going to be a good year. More growing up....yay.

One thing I wanted to do a week ago was make a list of the type of patients we had on our unit it has been pretty rough lately in the type and sickness of the patient population. Here is an overview or my own memory.

Rm. 1 - Necrotizing pancreatitis, to much alcohol.

Rm. 2 - MVC, Pt only responds to pain

Rm. 3 - Pancreas Kidney Transplant, multiple complications

Rm. 4 - 4oo lbs Pt post stroke

Rm. 5 - Sepsis, Bipolar made pt hard to deal with

Rm. 6 - MVC hard to wean from vent.

Rm. 7 - Suicide attempt. Gunshot wound

Rm. 8 - GSW to face, not self inflicted.

Rm. 9 - Wheelchair vs. Car. Ridiculous restraints

Rm. 10 - Respiratory Failure related to Obesity

Rm. 11 - Suicide attempt. GSW to face.

For some reason it was a particularly crazy week. Dealing with the emotions of families and the patients personalities is usually the most challenging part of my job. Must try to sleep again.....