Lots to process cause being with family always does that. It was really awesome to see them after so long. I hadn't seen my cousins, aunts, uncles for about 8 or 1o months. It is weird to go back though cause I have changed so I no longer fit in the box i have before. Result: I stuff what I am feeling and try to do what i have always done even though it just feels wrong. They have changed to so we all have to get re-situated. dddddddddadf ldkjfa sd fe ijgakjg;ajdifhaoeir tpaierthpariogadfgioerh gaigtarih sorry me fingers totally took over. They sometimes get out of control like that. So much that i think about what happened over the weekend that I don't know what I need to process through and what is just excess stuffing. Is this life just a process of processing? I feel like I am stockpiling it and then one day I will have no choice but to go through it all. Is that right Dad? i hope not cause that will take a lot of time. Hopefully i am going through most of it as it passes through.
I guess the most stark thing was seeing my grandma without hair. She looked like a little babushka grandmother from Russia except she is tall and thin not short and plump. It is just beginning to hit home though. I really can't believe it. She is such an amazing woman she has been through a lot of tragedy in her life so why this now? It makes me mad. I hate cancer. I hate it so much. I don't understand where it came from and I want to kill it. It has affected a lot of people that i know recently and it pisses me off. Cancer is of the devil and I wish there was something I could do. Dad please continue to take care of her. I want to learn so much more from her before she goes to hang with you. And when you do take her please make it quick and painless. She loves you so much. Thank you. I love you too.
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