A new song...

And you loved, you loved, a people undeserving....

What does the year 22 of my birth mean?

 It is January 11 and I figured it was about time for me to prepare for the new year. I spent some time today seeking the Lord about what is to come and what he wants me to focus on for the new year. It was really good time. I love me some Jesus! All I know is that this year is going to be about getting to know Jesus better and learning even more about His love. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get a break on learning about His love. I do love it, it is just overwhelming and I wonder if I will move to another level or am I going to be here forever. I always ask you if there is something else I need to learn about but your most frequent response is "Share my love." I do try Lord but I have no idea how successful I am. Anyway...this year is going to be hard but I am going to learn a whole whole lot about myself and Jesus. Diving in....

   I am in funky mood tonight. Anytime I spend time with you Jesus it seems that I struggle with a bad or depressive mood. I don't really know how to describe it, it feels like loneliness; mind wandering from why I am the way I am and why life has turned out the way it has. I am amazed at where I am but feel a sense of loss for a couple of things that are gone. 

 No one fully understands those losses even if they have been in the same situations and that is when I feel the loneliness start to creep in. I know I am not supposed to be lonely because I have you Jesus. However it feels good to just sit in the lonely feelings and enjoy the pain. I know many people would say i am crazy but it is so nice to feel some pain. You feel alive. When I am comforted from serious pain there is truly one of the best feelings of protection and caring to experience. I am speaking of emotional pain not physical. I have an aversion to physical and it sometimes involves me passing out...who wants to do that. 

   Here is the honesty part. My heart hurts and I just realized it. I guess I have been stuffing and that hasn't been fun but now it is learning how to deal with this. Jesus I am at a loss. I obviously know the symptoms but how do I deal and continue? Mostly I am good focused on life but then small things happen and I am overcome I sometimes can do nothing but crawl into bed and go to sleep otherwise I will completely fall apart.  Me falling apart would look like lots of crying  and probably some yelling but I know it wouldn't be good.

  Lots and lot have been going on in my and I skim through just doing what need to be done and I wonder is it going to catch up with me? At this point cancer is the main thing there is about 4 people I know right who are dealing with it and my grandma has been in the hospital, my mom had a scare, my own body has been acting weird, friends are in bad financial straits, school is kick some of thems butts jobs are being lost, people are breaking up and duh ta duh on and on it goes. Do I break down and some point? It just feels like I am constantly shoving things out of the way and trying not to think about them. Help Jesus. I know not what to do.

 Alright well I have talked a few things out no proofreading just posting. Thank you for your faithfulness, Jesus! Goodnight.

Another one bites the dust...

So what bit the dust you might be wondering. Well, it was another one of my brain cells. I swear I can feel them dying off as we speak, one at a time. They die slowly but with this overload of schoolwork and emotional stuffs they are surely dying. Enough about those poor suckers and onto what concerns me today. 

  This is selfish but i really like writing in this blog finally something can be all about me and I don't have to make sure others are happy or occupied. Its just mee analyzing me. Jesus that is pretty awesome. I am sorry if you get tired of the same old same old. I try to move on through stuff so I can learn. I am learning though that with some things there is absolutely nothing I can do to speed it up. It just has to happen, those are the hard things. I have been dealing with something for the past couple of months and I am just now making the decisions to really truly work through it. I have been lying to myself for awhile and I hate that. I apparently lie very well to myself and it is hard to get to the truth. Part of the reason I am so exhausted today is the fact I talked some stuff out with M and did my best to be as truthful with myself as possible. It really takes it out of you when you do that. I don't know when I have been this tired but it has built up after this party we had on Sun. I love people but after having 2o people at my house for a few hours I just want to run away and hide. It becomes something akin to overstimulation. 

   AHHHH! we are in caribou coffee and I am surrounded by noise all of a sudden this place can get really loud and when you are talking about overstimulation it really freaks me out. *takes long slugg of coffee* ahhh...much better now.

    While M and I were walking today I had one of those revelations. You know those where you suddenly realize this is your life and you are living it right now. It makes me glad for what I have and it also makes me wish for the future so I can look back on this crazy time and know of dreams fulfilled. I want a husband and kids so bad I think I will short-circuit. This desire rises up in my belly and I feel I will explode from the inside out. Where the heck is this coming from and why is it so strong? It has been developing over the last couple of weeks and it is out of control. I have never felt anything like this before. Jesus please chat with me. I am so confused. I am stuck in nursing school right now so why is this here? Are you crazy? I think you are that is the only conclusion I can come too. Yet again....please help....I need you lots and lots.

  I will say this you are incredible lover. You are always in my head and you totally blow my mind. To fall in love with you, again, that is what I want. I love you. 

 Done and Done.

Why can I not go to sleep like a normal person?

 It is late at night and I should be asleep but about 11:30 I seem to come alive. All the gears in my brain start to churn and I start to contemplate the deeper meanings to life. Why can't I get on a schedule of doing this around noon. That would make me a much more functional person I think. We had a really amazing party today. I love that we host parties now at our apartment. People seem to be very comfortable here and that is definitely an answer to prayer. I am friends with so many different people it is amazing. I have no idea how it happened but I love it. People are truly the best resource I know of. I love how everyone thinks differently and comes to different conclusions even with the same information. You are truly an amazing artist Jesus. 

  Ok this is rediculous. I have to sleep. Jesus you are one bad cat. Thank you for your blood.

Hello fattened world!

  Well well, I would like to admit that I gained about 5 lbs over Thanksgiving and I am thrilled it was so great. Food is the bomb. Dad will there be cheese in heaven? Man I hope so cause that stuff it pretty much the best thing ever. I have decided I like it better than chocolate. Maybe one day I will get a box of fancy cheese blocks rather than chocolate. Oh perfection that would be lovely. or both! Oh man oh man. 

  Lots to process cause being with family always does that. It was really awesome to see them after so long. I hadn't seen my cousins, aunts, uncles for about 8 or 1o months. It is weird to go back though cause I have changed so I no longer fit in the box i have before. Result: I stuff what I am feeling and try to do what i have always done even though it just feels wrong. They have changed to so we all have to get re-situated. dddddddddadf ldkjfa sd fe ijgakjg;ajdifhaoeir tpaierthpariogadfgioerh gaigtarih  sorry me fingers totally took over. They sometimes get out of control like that. So much that i think about what happened over the weekend that I don't know what I need to process through and what is just excess stuffing. Is this life just a process of processing? I feel like I am stockpiling it and then one day I will have no choice but to go through it all. Is that right Dad? i hope not cause that will take a lot of time. Hopefully i am going through most of it as it passes through. 

   I guess the most stark thing was seeing my grandma without hair. She looked like a little babushka grandmother from Russia except she is tall and thin not short and plump. It is just beginning to hit home though. I really can't believe it. She is such an amazing woman she has been through a lot of tragedy in her life so why this now? It makes me mad. I hate cancer. I hate it so much. I don't understand where it came from and I want to kill it. It has affected a  lot of people that i know recently and it pisses me off. Cancer is of the devil and I wish there was something I could do. Dad please continue to take care of her. I want to learn so much more from her before she goes to hang with you. And when you do take her please make it quick and painless. She loves you so much. Thank you. I love you too.

Dude! It is 12:30 now you think I could write at a decent hour dad. But no I seem to come alive late at night and begin to think about all the stuff I need to do. Woe the old brain it be crazy. 

  Per the previous post; Conclusion: I like secular music and that is that. 

There is so much I could write about that has happened but I want to focus on what is rolling around in my head currently. I screwed up again this morning. I am tired of this habitual sin! Tired, tired, Tired! I don't do the things I need to do. Why am I so stupid? What is the barrier to this learning process? Me? Yeah probably is. No offense or anything dad but this sucks. I don't know if I like me. Here I go again. I need help. Lots of it. 

  I am learning that you can handle it. I don't surprise, overwhelm or scare you. That is pretty cool. How about I bring Pink into this. The singer says "I'm a hazard to myself. Don't let me get me." I am totally on that. Me is a pretty scary thing. 

 Also wondering how much to share since someone will probably read this someday. I guess all things are found on the internet at some point. It doesn't bother me to much though being transparent takes a lot of the pressure off.  Then what am I concerned about? I think people reading this and seeing themselves is people I mention. 

  I want to thank you dad. I see so many ways you are pursuing me right now even when i don't want any of it. I feel all these crazy emotions but somehow I know you are in control. You are still Lord.  I do love you.

   How do I ask what is going on with you dad? We always talk about me and the things I need help with, etc. What about you? How do I learn about you? Is it appropriate to ask you how your day has gone? Do you even have a day? I feel like that is really personal...I don't know chummy or something. I want to remember that you are God, Jesus Christ, a being worthy of fear. I do want to honor you and your power. Please bring to my attention when I dishonor you. 

  i could ramble on for much more space but I think the fact I can hardly read the screen and no contacts or glasses on. It is time to lay it to rest. Goodnight Dad. I love you.

It is sunday afternoon...duh. Oh well gotta open this up somehow. Is it wrong to listen to secular music while posting and thinking about you Jesus? I often feel more connected to you Jesus when listening to secular music rather than Christian is that wrong? Hope not. Please make it clear to me if it is......