Yep...it's that time again....

Time for what? For crying.

Life adds up and you just can't handle it anymore. I have been feeling it coming on tonight and now it is officially here. Yes there are little baby tears coming down my face now.

This world is really hard to cope with sometimes. I get told I am really happy a lot and I always look at the bright side. That is true most of the time but I still have to cry. It feels really good. Lately I have been feeling so numb. Work has been hard in a lot of ways. Somehow it can be really good and really hard. The mystery of the hospital. A place of healing and a place of desperate pain. There has been a fair amount of death around lately and that is always different. I was talking with a friend and he asked if I was scared of death. I thought about it and I said no. I used to be but I realized that I'm not now. I have been with a couple of people who passed away and it was crazy. One was so peaceful. He was ready and he just laid his head back and his heart slowed and then stopped about 10 minutes later. That night completely changed my view on death. It peaceful, even wonderful. I actually felt jealous because this man was meeting Jesus and I couldn't yet.

When I am crying I feel the need to give a reason which is what led me to death. The tears of tonight are for many reasons some I don't even understand but I am so glad. I have been wanting to cry for a little while now and I am so glad to know I am not completely numb. Things effect me I am so grateful for it.

Weird.

It is the weird life for me. This crazy night shift nursing creates weird sleeping patterns. I worked the last two nights and I crawled in bed tonight at 11:20 fell asleep and woke up again at 12:45 ready to go. It is now almost two am and I have been laying here thinking about life and where it is going, what I am scared of and what I am looking forward too. It is 2011 and it is going to be a good year. More growing up....yay.

One thing I wanted to do a week ago was make a list of the type of patients we had on our unit it has been pretty rough lately in the type and sickness of the patient population. Here is an overview or my own memory.

Rm. 1 - Necrotizing pancreatitis, to much alcohol.

Rm. 2 - MVC, Pt only responds to pain

Rm. 3 - Pancreas Kidney Transplant, multiple complications

Rm. 4 - 4oo lbs Pt post stroke

Rm. 5 - Sepsis, Bipolar made pt hard to deal with

Rm. 6 - MVC hard to wean from vent.

Rm. 7 - Suicide attempt. Gunshot wound

Rm. 8 - GSW to face, not self inflicted.

Rm. 9 - Wheelchair vs. Car. Ridiculous restraints

Rm. 10 - Respiratory Failure related to Obesity

Rm. 11 - Suicide attempt. GSW to face.

For some reason it was a particularly crazy week. Dealing with the emotions of families and the patients personalities is usually the most challenging part of my job. Must try to sleep again.....

this is to much for this heart to handle

This day has been to long and I am to tired and I watched 2012 with the roomies. Dumb idea. I feel like could die from emotional strain. Work is work but after working the last 3 nights and then watching a somewhat real movie of the ending of the world. Lord what am I to do? I don't know if I can live through it sometimes. I try not to care about the people in movies but I seem unable to do that. i care a lot once I can see they are a real person with feelings. In a movie that happens quickly and then I am a lost cause. I am now exhausted from trying not to care. So I am watching MASH in an effort to calm down and release. MASH is helpful but doesn't quite do it all. At work I have spent 36 hours trying to communicate with a woman who is ventilated and cannot speak but is completely oriented. Such a sweet woman so both of us spent a lot of time being frustrated. Other than that my two patients weren't that bad. THe first night my guy could pretty much handle himself. The new woman the other two nights was sweet and somewhat confused. I feel at this point unable to muster strength but I still care about people even in a movie. How dumb is that. Why do I care so much? Overall I guess it is a good thing but right now I am so tired I want to give up on the world and be an uncaring B****. Lord I think I am angry about the pain in the world. There is so much of it and choose to see it all the time. A frequent question these days is how am I still alive? I don't know how to keep doing it. Jesus Christ how do I give things to you? *she stops to think for awhile*

You know what, I am focusing on the problems and the overwhelming pain. Which I do need to do just to release and validate the emotion. Today.....I can't even remember what I was trying to say. Yep. Bedtime. Join me Jesus and please make me more like you.

To much emotion.

The days I think about blogging are the days I feel melancholy. I secretly hope that some beautiful man will stumble upon my blog and decide that I am the best thing since sliced bread and we will live happily ever after. Sounds dumb to type it out but it is never the less true.

I am sitting in the dining room of our new house. My two roommates and I are renting and I am loving it. The windows of the kitchen dining area are completely fogged up because the washer and dryer have been running for the afternoon. Yes, our laundry room is attached to the kitchen dining area. Very convenient and right now everything is very moist. I feel like I am in an industrial rainforest. What does that even mean? It sounds like I am full of crap. excellent. That is probably the truth. I like sounding profound because I am...not.

We are headed to bible study tonight and the goal is going to be to pray. I am nervous. You are nervous about praying, you ask. Yes tonight I am. I haven't been talking to Jesus much lately and that means I have no idea what could happen. I have some things I need to be transparent about and there is always the chance everyone will be shocked by my sin and decide that I am a hopeless Christian. Will they be shocked that I have pulled the wool over their eyes and I am a disgusting wolf in sheep's clothing. I have enough guilt about my sin that if they confirm my thoughts I might run away. Seriously. Haven't really thought about how but that sounds like a great option. Ok...deep breath....you are starting to freak out.

I have been at work a lot lately. Not overtime just the days I work are really close together. It is a hard thing. That means the only people I really see are my co-workers and patients. I love my co-workers but I have different morals than most of them so there is a disabled way of my coping. I can't share a lot of my deep feelings because we don't agree on a lot of surface issues. I start to feel alone very quickly. time to go....

It's that time again.

Yep, that time. You guessed it....it's time to cry again.

I find that frequently when I am working (so this whole past year) I have to cry about once a week. That may not seem frequently to you but to me that has been an increase. Granted there are some weeks crying is a multiple times per day affair. The difference work has made is that I have to cry. Have too. It comes whether I like it or not. If I don't find a time to let it out it will descend when I least desire it. Such as in a patient's room. Not a good place.

Tonight seems to be that night. I am at home with family and am holding back until I go to bed tonight.

unhappy discovery

I did not know that a man who can only blink his eyes could reduce me to tears.

Tears of frustration.

It was a long 3 nights.