Another one bites the dust...

So what bit the dust you might be wondering. Well, it was another one of my brain cells. I swear I can feel them dying off as we speak, one at a time. They die slowly but with this overload of schoolwork and emotional stuffs they are surely dying. Enough about those poor suckers and onto what concerns me today. 

  This is selfish but i really like writing in this blog finally something can be all about me and I don't have to make sure others are happy or occupied. Its just mee analyzing me. Jesus that is pretty awesome. I am sorry if you get tired of the same old same old. I try to move on through stuff so I can learn. I am learning though that with some things there is absolutely nothing I can do to speed it up. It just has to happen, those are the hard things. I have been dealing with something for the past couple of months and I am just now making the decisions to really truly work through it. I have been lying to myself for awhile and I hate that. I apparently lie very well to myself and it is hard to get to the truth. Part of the reason I am so exhausted today is the fact I talked some stuff out with M and did my best to be as truthful with myself as possible. It really takes it out of you when you do that. I don't know when I have been this tired but it has built up after this party we had on Sun. I love people but after having 2o people at my house for a few hours I just want to run away and hide. It becomes something akin to overstimulation. 

   AHHHH! we are in caribou coffee and I am surrounded by noise all of a sudden this place can get really loud and when you are talking about overstimulation it really freaks me out. *takes long slugg of coffee* ahhh...much better now.

    While M and I were walking today I had one of those revelations. You know those where you suddenly realize this is your life and you are living it right now. It makes me glad for what I have and it also makes me wish for the future so I can look back on this crazy time and know of dreams fulfilled. I want a husband and kids so bad I think I will short-circuit. This desire rises up in my belly and I feel I will explode from the inside out. Where the heck is this coming from and why is it so strong? It has been developing over the last couple of weeks and it is out of control. I have never felt anything like this before. Jesus please chat with me. I am so confused. I am stuck in nursing school right now so why is this here? Are you crazy? I think you are that is the only conclusion I can come too. Yet again....please help....I need you lots and lots.

  I will say this you are incredible lover. You are always in my head and you totally blow my mind. To fall in love with you, again, that is what I want. I love you. 

 Done and Done.

Why can I not go to sleep like a normal person?

 It is late at night and I should be asleep but about 11:30 I seem to come alive. All the gears in my brain start to churn and I start to contemplate the deeper meanings to life. Why can't I get on a schedule of doing this around noon. That would make me a much more functional person I think. We had a really amazing party today. I love that we host parties now at our apartment. People seem to be very comfortable here and that is definitely an answer to prayer. I am friends with so many different people it is amazing. I have no idea how it happened but I love it. People are truly the best resource I know of. I love how everyone thinks differently and comes to different conclusions even with the same information. You are truly an amazing artist Jesus. 

  Ok this is rediculous. I have to sleep. Jesus you are one bad cat. Thank you for your blood.

Hello fattened world!

  Well well, I would like to admit that I gained about 5 lbs over Thanksgiving and I am thrilled it was so great. Food is the bomb. Dad will there be cheese in heaven? Man I hope so cause that stuff it pretty much the best thing ever. I have decided I like it better than chocolate. Maybe one day I will get a box of fancy cheese blocks rather than chocolate. Oh perfection that would be lovely. or both! Oh man oh man. 

  Lots to process cause being with family always does that. It was really awesome to see them after so long. I hadn't seen my cousins, aunts, uncles for about 8 or 1o months. It is weird to go back though cause I have changed so I no longer fit in the box i have before. Result: I stuff what I am feeling and try to do what i have always done even though it just feels wrong. They have changed to so we all have to get re-situated. dddddddddadf ldkjfa sd fe ijgakjg;ajdifhaoeir tpaierthpariogadfgioerh gaigtarih  sorry me fingers totally took over. They sometimes get out of control like that. So much that i think about what happened over the weekend that I don't know what I need to process through and what is just excess stuffing. Is this life just a process of processing? I feel like I am stockpiling it and then one day I will have no choice but to go through it all. Is that right Dad? i hope not cause that will take a lot of time. Hopefully i am going through most of it as it passes through. 

   I guess the most stark thing was seeing my grandma without hair. She looked like a little babushka grandmother from Russia except she is tall and thin not short and plump. It is just beginning to hit home though. I really can't believe it. She is such an amazing woman she has been through a lot of tragedy in her life so why this now? It makes me mad. I hate cancer. I hate it so much. I don't understand where it came from and I want to kill it. It has affected a  lot of people that i know recently and it pisses me off. Cancer is of the devil and I wish there was something I could do. Dad please continue to take care of her. I want to learn so much more from her before she goes to hang with you. And when you do take her please make it quick and painless. She loves you so much. Thank you. I love you too.

Dude! It is 12:30 now you think I could write at a decent hour dad. But no I seem to come alive late at night and begin to think about all the stuff I need to do. Woe the old brain it be crazy. 

  Per the previous post; Conclusion: I like secular music and that is that. 

There is so much I could write about that has happened but I want to focus on what is rolling around in my head currently. I screwed up again this morning. I am tired of this habitual sin! Tired, tired, Tired! I don't do the things I need to do. Why am I so stupid? What is the barrier to this learning process? Me? Yeah probably is. No offense or anything dad but this sucks. I don't know if I like me. Here I go again. I need help. Lots of it. 

  I am learning that you can handle it. I don't surprise, overwhelm or scare you. That is pretty cool. How about I bring Pink into this. The singer says "I'm a hazard to myself. Don't let me get me." I am totally on that. Me is a pretty scary thing. 

 Also wondering how much to share since someone will probably read this someday. I guess all things are found on the internet at some point. It doesn't bother me to much though being transparent takes a lot of the pressure off.  Then what am I concerned about? I think people reading this and seeing themselves is people I mention. 

  I want to thank you dad. I see so many ways you are pursuing me right now even when i don't want any of it. I feel all these crazy emotions but somehow I know you are in control. You are still Lord.  I do love you.

   How do I ask what is going on with you dad? We always talk about me and the things I need help with, etc. What about you? How do I learn about you? Is it appropriate to ask you how your day has gone? Do you even have a day? I feel like that is really personal...I don't know chummy or something. I want to remember that you are God, Jesus Christ, a being worthy of fear. I do want to honor you and your power. Please bring to my attention when I dishonor you. 

  i could ramble on for much more space but I think the fact I can hardly read the screen and no contacts or glasses on. It is time to lay it to rest. Goodnight Dad. I love you.

It is sunday afternoon...duh. Oh well gotta open this up somehow. Is it wrong to listen to secular music while posting and thinking about you Jesus? I often feel more connected to you Jesus when listening to secular music rather than Christian is that wrong? Hope not. Please make it clear to me if it is......

Late one night

I am at a friends house and because of the people I am with I am get surrounded by old memories most of which are so very good. These very much effect me now though. In my current state so much has changed since that time and I don't know how to process all that has gone on in my heart. It seems like I can explain the circumstance but have absolutely no idea how to go about moving on in what God has for me. I feel very numb and passive a lot lately. And frankly this is not like me and I don't like it. I have never come to this point where I don't know how to move on with or through these emotions. I was laying on the couch staring at the ceiling talking to you Jesus and I could really understand that you were saying was heart surgery. Well what does that mean? Could you be a little more specific? I feel like there is a part of my heart that has felt love to a level that it has never felt before but that relationship did not work out for that. I know without a doubt that it was your will cause I have so much peace about it. I still have to deal with the consequences of the ending of that relationship. It is so hard because i am left with all these emotions and thoughts. 

   How do I drown myself in you Jesus? Please....drowning...i don't want anything else but you. In my time or worship with you is the only place I feel fulfilled and satisfied. Clinging to your cross is the only safety, protection and contentment. There I know I am wanted. Anytime you want to take me home would be great. I promise not to try it myself. I have no desire for that. Just take me home with you. I do like this life it is fun and exciting but it is second rate to what I am with you. 

  I still can say all this truthfully and still I never spend enough time with you. I go weeks without having a quiet time. I do want to. I have trouble making myself do it. Why is that? Please help me to change you are the only one who can. I feel guilty for how many times I reject you. I found this verse in Romans or rather it was read in bible study last night and it hit me especially when I read it again today. It says 8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. I thought about it and I felt like the Lord whispered in my spirit. I am not surprised by your sin and your rejection. Wow! That is such a comfort to me. You are not taken aback by all that do or don't do. You still love me and want me. How is this possible? Thank you so much for not giving up on me. I am so beyond....I don't know what to say. I need your help all the time. More than every second. Thank you so much Dad for not leaving me and not giving up on me. Daddy I love you so much. Please continue to hold my hand as I seek to lose myself in you. I hate so much of this self. You are THE redeemer. Do the heart surgery....whatever it is. I want you to rock my world aknew!

I love you in my human way. I desire to do better than that one day.

                  Your struggling but protected child,

           Lauren

    P.S. Song of the evening:

             Savior, He can move the mountains

             Our God is mighty to save, mighty to save.

I do so like blogging. Especially just for me. Today is a great day! I don't have to go to school I do have a final tomorrow though. So I should be studying...oh well lets not think about that. 

  Dad I am in awe of how you get my attention. They played "Sweetly Broken" in church yesterday and it was incredible but not the way the song was played it was the way you took hold of my heart and drew me into your chest so I felt completely enveloped by your presence. Wow! Lord if that is a taste of heaven then can I come home soon? 

  Life is so good right now except in the way I have been neglecting you. There is no excuse. I do realize everything else is so pointless without you and I long for that purpose. School feels like drudgery so often. I know I am supposed to be there but it is hard to find the purpose. I admit I am an adrenaline junkie in some ways and would love to live in the high. 

  I am sitting here listening to Sweetly Broken and am overwhelmed. I want to grasp that cross with all my strength and never let go for that is the only thing that fulfills me. When I walk away from worship or my bible I feel like I am leaving it behind. How do I take it with me? How do I live my life carrying the realization of your resurrection and purpose? That still doesn't cover it. I want to walk into that hospital knowing your power and love and peace and YOU are with me! How do I change?

  

Returning again.

Greetings. My it has been to long...much has changed in the life of me. I feel like I should be writing this to Jesus specifically or someone, maybe I will change it every post. That sounds like a good idea.

  I don't even know where to begin. Today has been so wonderful. I am sitting in kitchen which I share with my roommate. You know what this means don't you? I am no longer living at home! Crazy awesome fun and then sad at times. It means I am getting old. 

  Life has been pretty tough as of late. Many changes and plenty of relationship craziness. Jesus you are still good though, so good. I guess that shouldn't surprise me but it does. 

 It isn't Thanksgiving yet but I feel the need to be thankful anyway. A list perhaps since that is one of my favorite things to do.

1. You, Daddy still love me even when I ignore you.

2. You have given me an amazing family that I know loves me.

3. I live with an incredible girl that is one of my bestest friends.

4. The apartment we live in is wonderful, everything we asked for in our wildest dreams and more.

5. I am in school, I have the money to pay for it and I am doing better than passing my classes. The graduation date has not changed because I failed something. I have passed it all which a massive sign of your faithfulness.

6. I am surrounded by friends, yes surrounded, who want to hang with me and share their struggles and let me know when they are mad at me so we can work it out.

7. I have a challenging job at the hospital which pays fairly well allows me to work around school. I have been able to see amazing people and situations that many others will never see. The good, bad, ugly, and breathtaking.

8. I have a book filled with words that reveal poems, challenges and most of all love of a God who became a man so he could save me from my hopeless doom.

9. I wake up every morning in a bed that is soft in a place of safety where I don't fear my life to be taken away at any moment. 

10. My body is mostly healthy. I am able to walk, breathe, chew, and poop. All of which I consider to be huge blessings.

11. There is great food in my kitchen and water in my sink.

12. I have a cute grey car that my grandfather gave to me when he passed away and it gets incredible gas mileage.

13. I am single and strangely very content in that right now. Life is exciting with many possibilities and surprises ahead. I am trying to focus on where I am and how to improve myself. Discovering that it is fun.

14. I have this very computer which is an Apple Macbook Pro. Compliments of my grandma's educational fund. And it is a thing of beauty.

15. Nature becomes more beautiful to me every day and I get to be apart of it every time I step out the front door. 

16. I know without a shadow of a doubt that there is the God of the Universe. Jesus Christ. The Holy Spirit. In control of all this life and I am loved and desired by them as one.

   Thank you so much Daddy!

Dad, I am alive! Can you believe it is Sept? I cannot. That is absolutly crazy! The seven weeks off of school was amazing and somehow it went by so fast. I am in behavioral health and it is good and a lot more emotionally taxing than I thought. Help me know how to react to these people and their unbelivable problems. Dad I am overwhelmed by the evil and pain in this world. It is beyond heart-wrenching. I have always thought of drug addicts as people who just need to get over it but I am discovering that I am wrong. It is something that has them by the scruff of the neck and they cannot break the hold without your help. Have mercy! I don't know how people live without you. I have done it a lot over the past year and it has ruined me. I realize I am so blessed and I have absolutly nothing to complain about. My life is amazing. I love you Daddy. You keep pursuing me and I am speechless. Don't Stop!! Tomorrow is crazy please continue to grant me grace. You O God are beyond human understanding! Who can comprehend your plans? You alone rule in mercy and perfectness. Worthy is your name. Holy!

Dad,
I have got a test tomorrow and I feel ok about it. I am so tired though and I don't think it is the tired that goes away after a good night's sleep I think its the tired that is from exhaustion and burn out. I realized today that I have been in school since Jan 12, 5 days a week with only two weeks off. And today in june 5th. Dang, no wonder I feel like a trampled animal. There is only a month left and then I have 7 weeks off of school. Dad, I am so very tired. I don't know if I can make it. i don't have a choice though cause I don't want my work to be for nothing. I do know your grace is here otherwise I would be dead from overload. Can I say that I need more? I think I do.
"Whenever God slew them, they would seek Him; they eagerly turned to him again." Ps 78: 34

I wonder if this is what is going on with me. I have gotten so caught up in school and all that is required that I have piled so many things above you. And now it kindof feels like I am being destroyed with exhaustion and frustration and scary experiences. There is nothing like this to make me run back to you. Please meet me Dad. You are the only one who can restore me. I truly feel as nothing. I do love you fiercely because you first loved me.

Only Yours cause I think you are the only one that truly knows the crap and wants me anyway. Good luck. I need work.

I have done some praying and I feel at peace about the situation and this person. I will continue to pray for them and just see where the Lord leads. Thank you Lord for your grace for the many times I fail.

Today has been really cool....amazing actually. I met the woman who is going to be my clinical instructor for the next 5 weeks and she is fantastic. She loves her job and is a very bubbly fast talker. I prayed that the Lord would allow me to have her as an instructor and he answered my prayer. Thanks Daddy. This place we are going to be in what looks much like an ICU and the patients look sick and I mean sick. Nervously excited describes me pretty well. I know I am going to learn a lot and it is going to be wicked hard. Daddy and I have been doing more talking especially on the drives to and from school and I just feel more confident. I have no idea why but I am so much more grounded when I am in contact with you, Dad. Thank you for not giving up on me. These next couple of weeks I hope I have some good stories to tell. Good ones not bad ones. When we were walking though on our tour of our unit I have to say I have never seen anybody hooked up to so much stuff I just hope I can learn it quickly and well. There is so much to know and put together. I have trouble seeing myself as a nurse without direct supervision. It sounds very scary and wonder many times a day if I can do this. Love the wait and see game..Love it. *definite sarcasm*
Time to do a little something productive....maybe like go to sleep....that sounds nice.
Goodnight Daddy.

So it's monday. School started again today and I have to admit I am scared of this class. I am trying not to listen to what people say but it is really hard. I have decided to do my best with what I know and if I fail doing my best then that is the way it is and there is nothing to do but take it again. This is all really easy to say but not so easy to do. I am trying.

I did have a little over a week long break and that was really good. I am so blessed with so many great friends and family. The older I get the more amazing i realize they are. We laugh so much and i would trust them with my life.
The main thing on my mind recently is someone i am not on good terms with right now. I want to be but I have hurt them deeply and they are not talking to me. It sounds so childish and selfish but I want things to be right cause I feel absolutly destroyed when someone is angry with me and won't talk. I have tried to take care of my part and do everything I can to make it right but the letting go is the extremely difficult part. I do care for them and I hate this not knowing where they stand. I feel horrible and nothing seems to shake this feeling. I wish they would speak to me even if it is anger or hate.

To begin at the beguine...

I finally created a blog for me. I assume people will probably find it but this is really for me. I have thought about it for awhile and like the idea of having a place to share my thoughts about school and work and the weird wanderings of my mind. I want this to be a place where I can debrief and process a lot of the stuff happening in my world. Lets christen the ship....