Remembering...

 I can't quite figure out if this happens every summer or not but the truth is I miss The Inn a lot right now. 

The Inn is a (not a camp) camp that I went to every summer up until last year. The Lord has done so much in me through my time there. I love the people but I think I love the property even more. His spirit rests there in a way I don't feel in many other places. When I pull into that long driveway it's like my heart is covered by peace and safety. It is truly a hiding place for me. 

  One of the Heroes Weeks ended so I am seeing pics pop up on facebook and it makes me want to cry. I don't just want to go back I want to be that 16 y.o girl again and go as a participant. To retreat into a state where I am being led and poured into without responsibility, except of course wash up and whatever work project is next on the list. 

  This growing up thing is hard and complicated. I am expected to take on more responsibility and autonomously achieve the next goal. The time for fun and exploration seems to be dwindling at an alarming rate. Lord, help me to make the time to work more on our relationship. It seems harder now to make that time to just sit and listen to you. 

  I know the future is what I want but I would love if it included some aspects of the past. 

  

  I miss the laundry barn, how crazy is that? I miss sitting on that one stool and leaning against the 3rd washer on the left and just taking deep breaths or crying or whatever I needed to release. You definitely met me in that barn on more than one occasion. I really miss the kitchen as well. It felt like therapy to set into washing a mountain of dishes and know you were accomplishing something while listening to whatever the other person wanted to talk about. Which frequently was what food next or how many hours till we get to crawl back in bed.  

  There are so many things and people I miss but I think that it all falls under the two categories of 1. Primary responsibility to seek Jesus. 2. Community. The most fulfilling thing I do is pursue you, Lord. And living in community brings about surprising challenges but is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. My heart knows that is the way it is meant to be so it fulfills longings. All I want is more. 

  Sometimes I wonder if I will miss the Inn for the rest of my life until I reach heaven? I think I will. Not constantly. But sporadically. 

  Thank you so much for the precious memories. They are truly priceless as is all I have learned within those weeks. I can't wait to get home and see you fully. 

   I love you, Father. 

    

A new season!

I am now a Registered Nurse! Lauren Mundorf, RN. I cannot believe it. But I have too cause I got my license in the mail yesterday. 

 Lord I am so overwhelmed by your faithfulness. So very overwhelmed. I knew this day was coming but I had no idea that it would really be here. What do I do now?

  I want to revamp this blog and turn it into a place where I can talk about my nursing career and share all that God is doing. 

  The truth is I don't know where I am going from here but for now I am staying put. I want to get out of Charlotte at some point but it seems Jesus has me here for the next few years. 

  Staying put...that sounds pretty good....

Surprise!

 I am graduating on Friday! And today would be Monday night! I am completely blown away. Thank you so much for your faithfulness Jesus! I love you!

A new song...

And you loved, you loved, a people undeserving....

What does the year 22 of my birth mean?

 It is January 11 and I figured it was about time for me to prepare for the new year. I spent some time today seeking the Lord about what is to come and what he wants me to focus on for the new year. It was really good time. I love me some Jesus! All I know is that this year is going to be about getting to know Jesus better and learning even more about His love. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get a break on learning about His love. I do love it, it is just overwhelming and I wonder if I will move to another level or am I going to be here forever. I always ask you if there is something else I need to learn about but your most frequent response is "Share my love." I do try Lord but I have no idea how successful I am. Anyway...this year is going to be hard but I am going to learn a whole whole lot about myself and Jesus. Diving in....

   I am in funky mood tonight. Anytime I spend time with you Jesus it seems that I struggle with a bad or depressive mood. I don't really know how to describe it, it feels like loneliness; mind wandering from why I am the way I am and why life has turned out the way it has. I am amazed at where I am but feel a sense of loss for a couple of things that are gone. 

 No one fully understands those losses even if they have been in the same situations and that is when I feel the loneliness start to creep in. I know I am not supposed to be lonely because I have you Jesus. However it feels good to just sit in the lonely feelings and enjoy the pain. I know many people would say i am crazy but it is so nice to feel some pain. You feel alive. When I am comforted from serious pain there is truly one of the best feelings of protection and caring to experience. I am speaking of emotional pain not physical. I have an aversion to physical and it sometimes involves me passing out...who wants to do that. 

   Here is the honesty part. My heart hurts and I just realized it. I guess I have been stuffing and that hasn't been fun but now it is learning how to deal with this. Jesus I am at a loss. I obviously know the symptoms but how do I deal and continue? Mostly I am good focused on life but then small things happen and I am overcome I sometimes can do nothing but crawl into bed and go to sleep otherwise I will completely fall apart.  Me falling apart would look like lots of crying  and probably some yelling but I know it wouldn't be good.

  Lots and lot have been going on in my and I skim through just doing what need to be done and I wonder is it going to catch up with me? At this point cancer is the main thing there is about 4 people I know right who are dealing with it and my grandma has been in the hospital, my mom had a scare, my own body has been acting weird, friends are in bad financial straits, school is kick some of thems butts jobs are being lost, people are breaking up and duh ta duh on and on it goes. Do I break down and some point? It just feels like I am constantly shoving things out of the way and trying not to think about them. Help Jesus. I know not what to do.

 Alright well I have talked a few things out no proofreading just posting. Thank you for your faithfulness, Jesus! Goodnight.

Another one bites the dust...

So what bit the dust you might be wondering. Well, it was another one of my brain cells. I swear I can feel them dying off as we speak, one at a time. They die slowly but with this overload of schoolwork and emotional stuffs they are surely dying. Enough about those poor suckers and onto what concerns me today. 

  This is selfish but i really like writing in this blog finally something can be all about me and I don't have to make sure others are happy or occupied. Its just mee analyzing me. Jesus that is pretty awesome. I am sorry if you get tired of the same old same old. I try to move on through stuff so I can learn. I am learning though that with some things there is absolutely nothing I can do to speed it up. It just has to happen, those are the hard things. I have been dealing with something for the past couple of months and I am just now making the decisions to really truly work through it. I have been lying to myself for awhile and I hate that. I apparently lie very well to myself and it is hard to get to the truth. Part of the reason I am so exhausted today is the fact I talked some stuff out with M and did my best to be as truthful with myself as possible. It really takes it out of you when you do that. I don't know when I have been this tired but it has built up after this party we had on Sun. I love people but after having 2o people at my house for a few hours I just want to run away and hide. It becomes something akin to overstimulation. 

   AHHHH! we are in caribou coffee and I am surrounded by noise all of a sudden this place can get really loud and when you are talking about overstimulation it really freaks me out. *takes long slugg of coffee* ahhh...much better now.

    While M and I were walking today I had one of those revelations. You know those where you suddenly realize this is your life and you are living it right now. It makes me glad for what I have and it also makes me wish for the future so I can look back on this crazy time and know of dreams fulfilled. I want a husband and kids so bad I think I will short-circuit. This desire rises up in my belly and I feel I will explode from the inside out. Where the heck is this coming from and why is it so strong? It has been developing over the last couple of weeks and it is out of control. I have never felt anything like this before. Jesus please chat with me. I am so confused. I am stuck in nursing school right now so why is this here? Are you crazy? I think you are that is the only conclusion I can come too. Yet again....please help....I need you lots and lots.

  I will say this you are incredible lover. You are always in my head and you totally blow my mind. To fall in love with you, again, that is what I want. I love you. 

 Done and Done.

Why can I not go to sleep like a normal person?

 It is late at night and I should be asleep but about 11:30 I seem to come alive. All the gears in my brain start to churn and I start to contemplate the deeper meanings to life. Why can't I get on a schedule of doing this around noon. That would make me a much more functional person I think. We had a really amazing party today. I love that we host parties now at our apartment. People seem to be very comfortable here and that is definitely an answer to prayer. I am friends with so many different people it is amazing. I have no idea how it happened but I love it. People are truly the best resource I know of. I love how everyone thinks differently and comes to different conclusions even with the same information. You are truly an amazing artist Jesus. 

  Ok this is rediculous. I have to sleep. Jesus you are one bad cat. Thank you for your blood.