What does the year 22 of my birth mean?

 It is January 11 and I figured it was about time for me to prepare for the new year. I spent some time today seeking the Lord about what is to come and what he wants me to focus on for the new year. It was really good time. I love me some Jesus! All I know is that this year is going to be about getting to know Jesus better and learning even more about His love. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get a break on learning about His love. I do love it, it is just overwhelming and I wonder if I will move to another level or am I going to be here forever. I always ask you if there is something else I need to learn about but your most frequent response is "Share my love." I do try Lord but I have no idea how successful I am. Anyway...this year is going to be hard but I am going to learn a whole whole lot about myself and Jesus. Diving in....

   I am in funky mood tonight. Anytime I spend time with you Jesus it seems that I struggle with a bad or depressive mood. I don't really know how to describe it, it feels like loneliness; mind wandering from why I am the way I am and why life has turned out the way it has. I am amazed at where I am but feel a sense of loss for a couple of things that are gone. 

 No one fully understands those losses even if they have been in the same situations and that is when I feel the loneliness start to creep in. I know I am not supposed to be lonely because I have you Jesus. However it feels good to just sit in the lonely feelings and enjoy the pain. I know many people would say i am crazy but it is so nice to feel some pain. You feel alive. When I am comforted from serious pain there is truly one of the best feelings of protection and caring to experience. I am speaking of emotional pain not physical. I have an aversion to physical and it sometimes involves me passing out...who wants to do that. 

   Here is the honesty part. My heart hurts and I just realized it. I guess I have been stuffing and that hasn't been fun but now it is learning how to deal with this. Jesus I am at a loss. I obviously know the symptoms but how do I deal and continue? Mostly I am good focused on life but then small things happen and I am overcome I sometimes can do nothing but crawl into bed and go to sleep otherwise I will completely fall apart.  Me falling apart would look like lots of crying  and probably some yelling but I know it wouldn't be good.

  Lots and lot have been going on in my and I skim through just doing what need to be done and I wonder is it going to catch up with me? At this point cancer is the main thing there is about 4 people I know right who are dealing with it and my grandma has been in the hospital, my mom had a scare, my own body has been acting weird, friends are in bad financial straits, school is kick some of thems butts jobs are being lost, people are breaking up and duh ta duh on and on it goes. Do I break down and some point? It just feels like I am constantly shoving things out of the way and trying not to think about them. Help Jesus. I know not what to do.

 Alright well I have talked a few things out no proofreading just posting. Thank you for your faithfulness, Jesus! Goodnight.